Lately I feel I'm losing touch of things around me. I feel stuck in a rut, stuck indoors, stuck in front of my computer, forced to pretend to study. I try studying, really, but it's just not happening. I get distracted, as I so often did before. Exams are about 3 months away; it's not a long time. Saying it's 90 days away makes it seem longer, but I don't want to look at it that way. I wanna be ready for these exams. Ready as I've never been ready before. I've got my calendar in front of my desk, I'm faithfully crossing the days off one at a time, but that seems to be all I'm doing. Some of what I read when I cast my eyes across the computer screen sticks, but how much of my work do I really see in the journey of the eye from my phone to my ever-blinking chat windows? Not much really.
Rylands versus... ooh, look.. someone's come online. Yes, it's a tragic life I lead. It's so often said on
Top Gear that the only thing worse than a bad car is a car with no character. An indifferent car. That's my life. The indifferent life. I'm not sure that if I hadn't existed, there would have been much difference to anyone around me. Now that they've got a taste of me, I'm sure there'll be some who'll reply that they'd feel the difference;
but what if they had never known me? Everyone's lives would be almost exactly the same if I had never existed, I've not made any lasting impressions on anyone. That's the feeling I get sometimes. Don't mistake it for insecurity, I'm perfectly aware of who I am and what I'm capable of when I put my mind to it. It's just that I haven't been putting my mind to anything much thus far, neither am I sure I am capable of putting my mind to anything for long enough.
I'm not entirely sure I'm boyfriend material, of late. I begin to doubt that I have very much that girls find attractive, in the first place. A good heart makes you a good person, but does that count for much nowadays? Everyone says, insists and prays it does, but truly; how far does it get you? I console myself with Jean Grey's words
"we flirt with the bad guy... but we take the good guy home." I see myself as the good guy. I half believe I'm incapable of doing something bad to someone else. It's quite probable that this sparks my hesitation to make moves on girls, in fear that they already have suitors; I'm not ready to make moves on someone elses girl.
Lately I went to the movies with a girl from my class. She's the cutest thing ever, but I thought she had a boyfriend already, until one of my friends told me she doesn't. I asked another couple along for the lunch and movie, but they only made it for the movie; that too in each other's arms in the couple seats. So I had plenty of alone time with her, and I think we might be compatible. Or maybe that's just what my heart wants it to be. Of all the girls I was made fun of over the last year and a half, this one has got to be the closest to being true, if not for her "boyfriend", I woulda made the moves earlier. Anyway, so we're done with lunch, waiting to go into the movie, and who should turn up... Mutual friends... The 3 of them with their primary school "Haaa-haaa... Caught you...". And another friend of mine turns up in the theater itself. So much for keeping it hush-hush. If you ask me, the worst thing that can happen to a budding relationship is for friends to find out and make fun of you about it. You get forced into this corner of trying to prove them wrong, and that forces you apart. Gurney Plaza is so the wrong place to go in a budding relationship. I should have known that. Almost two months ago, I saw two of my classmates going to the movies together and that uncovered
their budding relationship. They're still together anyway, so maybe it'll be OK.
Besides that, I think we had a fun time together yesterday. Being the gentleman, I paid for everything; it's funny how the wallet dissolves into the background when matters of the heart are at hand. The movie was great, loads of fun. She did have to leave the theater once, and when we were whispering to each other, this other couple in front of us didn't like it very much and the girl in front stared at me. There were so many things I didn't do. I didn't do the fake-arm-stretch-yawn move. As much as I would have liked to. I haven't ever carried out this move. No matter who I go to the movies with. Sure I've yawned and stretched in movie theaters, but not as part of the move. Sometimes I wonder about my decision making skills. And whether my naivété in relationships causes these moments and oppurtunities to pass me by. Sometimes I wonder if I should just do what I feel like doing, hoping against hope that what I do doesn't offend the person I'm with. I wonder if that's what other guys do. I wonder how much I am like other guys. Have my social skills been dampened by my lack of social activity so catastrophically that I'm incapable of any cognitive function in the romance department? Or have I just forgotten these things in the process of being a nerd for the PFS-Adelaide days of my life? I admit it, I'm still a nerd. I don't open my mouth much in front of girls I like, in fear of saying something nerdy. When I do open my mouth, inevitably and quite expectedly, something nerdy does, in fact, come out. Just look at the way I'm talking now. The mark of a true nerd. But it's not like nerds don't have girlfriends. They do. I've seen them. And I'm not looking for a nerd girlfriend either, I need someone to help me erase all these traces of nerd. I need an anti-nerd. Then again, there'd be no common mentality between us. Oh dear, what do I truly want then? Sigh... I think I just want to be happy. Not content,
happy.
