What is it, really? The ability to see something through? Or general strength of will? I've, for some reason, been doing a lot of soul searching lately, perhaps it was a sub-concious realisation of my age (yes, happy belated birthday, me), my place in life, and what I've accomplished (and yet to do) in life.
I realise I've got a lot of negative qualities (and admittedly, an equal number of redeeming ones), but I'm probably most dissapointed with my negativity. I find I'm in the unique (pending others claiming to have the same) mental frame of having both optimism and pessimism. And my mind seems to flit between the two uncontrollably (upon reaching a certain extent of extremism) and from there, all decisions and plans evaporate into nothingness. All I built my courage (never Dutch) up for and all oppurtunities are lost in a blink of an eye.
This post comes after one of these oppurtunities have just passed me by. Fear of rejection is fresh in my mind, as is the mental picture of what could have been. See the two-ness of mind? Not optimism and pessimism at this point, but perhaps a flash of inspiration will hit me soon and I'll know how to put the situation into words.
It's RnB time. There's the pessimism coming in. Jazz (and optimism) will soon follow, I suspect.
The gift was not the precipitant for the feelings I had inside, I had the intention to go through with my plan from before I last saw her. And all those grand plans. The explosion I planned. Alright, gtfo my blog CIA, that's not the type of explosion I was talking about. An explosion of emotion, if I may, was what I was referring to. The very sudden and rapid expression of the feelings I well up inside me.
*looks at the title chosen for the post*
This was not the story I wanted to tell today. My original thoughts were more to do with the ability to survive a crisis. The different reactions people project indicate, to some extent, their ability to think straight during times of emergency and take charge. I have been known to be able to drop all sense of emotion and buckle up to hold everyone together. No, I lie not, It has been known to happen. The unfortunate side-effect (much more permanent though, more like a present-continuous condition) is my mellow and subdued nature. Is this gift-curse worth it? The ability to pull through the tough times, tied in with the inability to impress the rest of the time. Perhaps my two stories (the one I originally intended to tell, and the beans I spilt earlier in the post) are one and the same. Just different takes on the same situation.
I, perhaps, am not able to communicate my emotions as readily as I should for my purposes. Argh, what I would give for a sense of normality!
Fear of rejection. Sure, it's common among the inexperienced. Stomaching the fact that I have anything to do with the term "fear" is something I find very hard to do. My mental solidity is perhaps the core of my redeeming qualities. The fact that I would resort to writing this post, that I feel such insecurity, even... does that quite immediately dispense of the notion that I'm, for the lack of a better term, mentally solid?
*interrupted by her*
*4 minute break, talking to her, planning for the evening's outing*
I r back. I'm the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world. Except that I can't do either. What on earth possessed me into thinking that I'm worthy of such women in my life? My one quality that has any chance of being attractive to them is more at home in the body of the "gay friend", a term my friends use to describe my interactions with these women.
Gotta prepare some for my mega-giant typing session for courseworks tomorrow. Lovedough in a couple of hours, so time is of the essence. At the very least, I've gotta get this degree over with, for that's what my parents expect of me. As for my own needs, I suppose WoW will have to suffice. Talk about sticking to the world I know. Escapism, you call it. Yeah, it is. Fuck it all, I need an escape from this reality. Try to stop me? Fuck YOU.
